Ha ha! I hope those suckers looking for big contracts from Tom Ridge's Homeland Insecurity office know how much money they're wasting!
A lot of big corporations are looking at that $40 billion pork barrel just sitting on Tom Ridge's desk waiting to be looted and thinking to themselves, gee, I'd like a piece of that.
So some of these foolish corporations went and hired Tom Ridge's former legislative affairs director, and several other former staff, hoping that these people can use their personal relationships with Ridge to negotiate lucrative contracts.
Now you may think there is something fishy going on here. Don't you dare. These employees have waited a whole year before tarting themselves up for the grueling task of lobbying their former colleagues for big, fat, government contracts. Just as the law requires.
Are they in for a shock!
What they didn't know is that Mr. Ridge will not be influenced by his former staff persons at all. Nosiree! Mr. Ridge will decide who gets that money purely on the basis of the best interests of the American taxpayer! And these companies really do care about providing the best value for the taxpayers that they can. That's why Walter B. Shirk, a lawyer at Powell, Goldstein, Frazer, and Murphy, another lobbying firm, wrote an article for a newsletter entitled "Opportunity and Risk: Securing Your Piece of the Homeland Security Pie".
So those corporations are wasting a lot of money! Wow! Wait 'til they find out! I'll bet all of those former staffers wish they'd never quit their jobs with Mr. Ridge, because once those corporations that hired them as lobbyists find out that they would have done just as well if they had sent a perfect stranger to make their presentations-- well, they'll probably let all those people go. Even if, like Ashley Davis, former special assistant to Mr. Ridge, they do see him quite often socially, and say they are very good friends with Mr. Ridge. I'm sure Mr. Ridge won't hesitate to tell Ms. Davis's clients they better offer the government a very, very good deal on whatever it is they're selling, because that close friendship will play no part at all in the decision-making process.
And they'll never get another job in government of course, because people like Tom Ridge wouldn't want some former flunkies from these corporations hanging around his office, no way. Not after they deserted him just to make a lot more money.
Just as I'll bet Halliburton never hires Dick Cheney back. Not after that piddly $80 billion he tossed their way for the reconstruction of Iraq.
My only question is this. Why do these companies even bother with lobbyists? All they have to do is pull their strings.
Copyright © 2003 Bill Van Dyk All rights reserved.